FAQ in dawah: Marriage

Rights in marriage

• Husbands and wives have different roles, obligations and rights in Islam (Al-Baqarah 2:228). These are set out in Qur'an and hadiths (Al-Ahzab 33:36)
• If there's any conflict (e.g. with wife, husband or mother-in-law), see what Allah says to resolve the matter (An-Nisa 4:59). He's the creator of man and woman, so He knows us best
• Purpose of marriage is that you find peace and 'comfort' in each other and Allah 'has placed between you compassion and mercy' (Ar-Rum 30:21). Allah also recommended having children and grandchildren (An-Nahl 16:72)
• The purpose of marriage is not the wedding ('The Big Day') nor to please others while you're not happy. Marriage is about the whole journey on planet earth, not one night
• Men have full financial responsibility of their family e.g. wife, mother, daughter (An-Nisa 4:34). They have to make sure all needs are met such as shelter and food (Sahih Muslim 1218). In contrast, a woman can keep all her money and not share it, even if she's wealthy (An-Nisa 4:32, hadith narrated by Abu Dawood 2130)
• Allah commanded men to be kind and just to women (An-Nisa 4:19). Husbands have rights but they shouldn't abuse it and become control-freaks. They must not become dictators as it's a major sin
• Husbands responsible for protecting wives from any danger, even if they lose their life in the process
• Women have rights to inheritance (An-Nisa 4:7, An-Nisa 4:11) and dowry (An-Nisa 4:4)
• Wife has to follow husband and obey him, reasonably (An-Nisa 4:34)
• Don't allow anyone in the house the husband deems not to be good for his family (Sahih Muslim 1218, Sahih al-Bukhaari 4899). If he thinks someone is going to cause his family harm - and he's reasonable in his thinking - the wife has to respect that
• Give intimacy to husband when he request it else the angels will curse her until morning if he went sleep angry (Sahih al-Bukhari 3065, Sahih al-Muslim 1436). In general, men have higher sexual desires than women. If he's not physically satisfied at home, there's a temptation for him to look elswhere. Don't refuse him because of mood swing or minor dispute (just like a husband shouldn't stop providing for you financially because of mood swing or dispute). But his request must be reasonable as Allah encouraged for mutual satisfaction and the strengthening of the marital bond. A wife must be physically fit, not on period, and not fasting (obligatory fasts, not the voluntary fasts). If the husband insist, it will be a sinful act for him
• Guard husband's property and wealth (An-Nisa 4:34)
• Wife must guard her chastity in her husband's absence (i.e. be faithful to him) (An-Nur 24:31, Al-Mu'minun 23:5). Men are also commanded to 'lower their gaze and guard their chastity' (An-Nur 24:30)
• Prophet Muhammad said "The best of you is whoever treats his wife kindly" (At-Tirmidhi Riyad as-Salihin 278, Sunan Ibn Majah 1977)

"Qur'an allows men to beat their wife"

• Chapter 4 (An-Nisa) verse 34 talks about how to treat women. Some non-Muslims misinterpret 'discipline them [gently]' as 'beating them'
• First Allah mentions about the righteous women in Islam, who are devout and don't cheat on husband
• Then Allah talks about the disobedient women who disobeys God and her husband. Allah gives step-by-step on how to deal with them:
  1. Advise them (for as long as you can, no time limit specified)
  2. Don't share beds with them. You sleep in the same bed but you don't have intercourse with them, breaking that physical desire (again for as long it's necessary)
  3. Discipline them [gently]
• So disciplining one's wife gently is the final resort
• The Arabic word used for discipline them is 'Udriboohun'
• Arabic root DRB (daraba) has a wide range of meanings, including "to set an example", "to go forth", "to separate", or "to lightly tap". Prophet Muhammad used the same word when describing 'tayammum' (i.e. doing ablution with dust, sand, etc.). He said do 'daraba' (Sahih Al-Bukhari 343). So dharabah does not mean severe hitting or beating
• Beating is prohibited by the Prophet. He said you cannot severely hit a woman, leave a mark on her, hit her face (Sunan Ibn Majah 1851). These are all restrictions and not allowed in Islam
• Muhammad described the hitting as 'hitting with a siwak' (Tafsir al-Tabari 8:9386). A siwak is a toothbrush. So the hitting is the equivalent to hitting with a toothbrush - that's how light it should be
• Striking is the absolute last resort. It should be symbolic, non-injurious, and highly discouraged in favour of reconciliation
• In the next verse (v. 35), Allah says if you cannot reconcile bring a mediator from the wife's family and another from the husband’s family and see if they can restore harmony
• If all fails, they can separate
• If a woman feels her husband is ill-behaved, then she can get help from her guardian or seek divorce
• Muhammad never hit any of his wives or his servants (Sunan Ibn Majah 1984)
• Muhammad explicitly said not to hit women (Sunan Ibn Majah 1985). He said honourable husbands do not beat their wives
• Allah says Muhammad is 'an excellent example' for us (Al-Ahzab 33:21)
• Allah commanded men to be kind and just to women (An-Nisa 4:19)
• Interpretating verses to lead to abuse is not in line with Qur'an's core message of compassion and justice in married life between spouses

"Men can marry upto 4 wives. How's that possible?" (Polygamy)

"Muslim men can marry Jews and Christians but Muslim women can't. Why?"

• Simple answer is because Allah said so. But we can derive some wisdom from His command
• Jews and Christians are similar to Islam in their belief system. So it's easier for a Jewish or Christian woman to accept Islam and become a Muslim in the future
• Allah put conditions for Muslim man who want to marry a Jewish or Christian woman:
  1. She has to be chaste i.e. either a virgin or doesn't sleep around with others. Most woman in Western society are sadly not like that as they're allowed to sleep with anyone they desire with consent
  2. She has to believe in her religion. She cannot be a 'cultural Christian' or 'cultural Jew'. She has to practice her faith
• In general, father is the leader of the household. The children usually follow his command. A Muslim man is commanded by God to treat his wife a certain way. A Jewish or Christian man doesn't have that command by God - it's his personal choice. If tomorrow he wants his Muslim wife to drink alcohol, go to parties, dress inappropriately, attend church or synagogue, celebrate Christmas, etc., this will cause friction in their marriage and can lead to divorce
• During Ramadan, when Muslims fast, they cannot have intercourse. But no non-Muslim guy is going to wait one month while his wife is fasting for a religion he doesn't believe in
• Naturally, husband will influence their views and ideas when wife and their children
• Even while having sex, there's many things that are a not allowed in Islam. But a non-Muslim guy is not likely to follow that as it's not his faith. He wants to enjoy himself, this is his wife

Divorce

Inheritance law